Crazy Apple Rumors Site

Satirizing the Apple world since... OMG it's been THAT long?

FaviconApple Revokes Panic Developer License 10 Oct 2019, 2:48 pm

Apple has quietly revoked the developer license of long-time Mac and iOS software maker Panic, known for award-winning applications such as Transmit and widely praised games like Firewatch.

Panic co-founder Cabel Sasser said “We are attempting to contact Apple for more information. For the time being, customers can still install our apps on the Mac by allowing them to be installed as unsigned. We apologize for any inconvenience and we hope to have this situation, which we assume to be a misunderstanding, sorted out soon.”

Sources within Apple, however, indicate Panic may have a larger problem than it realizes. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company’s license was pulled at the behest of none other than the Chinese government. China has recently flexed its muscle with U.S. firms — from the NBA to other software developers — and apparently objects to one recent Panic app in particular.

“Untitled Goose Game represents a clear and present threat to Chinese sovereignty,” said Yang Cheung, a spokesperson for the Chinese government.

Gesturing to a video of Untitled Goose Game gameplay, Cheung explained.

“The goose is a lawless force of rampant anti-nationalism. It encourages violence against the state and disrespects authority.”

“Look at him!” Cheung said. “He is disgraceful! The gardener is hard-working, a paragon of agricultural values. And what does the goose do? He steals his rake! He steals his radio, so he cannot listen to China National broadcasts. He locks him out of the garden, denying him of his livelihood! The goose is obviously a counter-revolutionary bent on nothing but anarchy.”

“He even steals the bell, which is used to ring out the victory of the people over the enemies of the state. Assuming you can figure out how to get into the model town area, which I found to be unnecessarily difficult.”

“Also, we don’t like the name ‘Panic’. It seems intended to cause unrest within the citizenry.”

Apple has so far declined to comment on the license revocation, but it did pull at its collar with one finger and grimace uncomfortably.

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FaviconApple identifies cause of MacBook keyboard problems 9 Sep 2019, 1:52 pm

Ahead of tomorrow’s iPhone event, Apple has issued a blog post in which it attempts to lay to rest the controversy over keyboard woes associated with its MacBook line.

Much like its recent response to Google over the company’s release of details regarding an exploit of iOS, Apple has a pointed response to those who have complained about MacBook keyboards.

After months of research into complaints about butterfly keyboards on the 2016-2019 MacBook Pro and 2018 and 2019 MacBook Air, we have reached a conclusion. Complaints can uniformly be traced back to a single cause: excessive nose-picking by the user as they used the device.

Reached for comment, Apple Senior Vice President of Hardware Engineering Dan Riccio was unequivocal.

“We investigated each and every case where a complaint was filed about MacBook keyboards and found that in each one the user was a dirty nose-picker.”

According Riccio, dried or wet mucus material falling from the noses of these filthy users would become lodged under the keys creating a viscous material that rendered keys inoperative. Riccio stressed the scientific rigor with which Apple approached the issue.

“We really did a deep dive. Much like the deep nasal diving these disgusting people were doing while leaning over their keyboards.”

Apple declined to release the data behind its findings, but Riccio said it was eye-opening for him.

“Some of the nose-picking was because of a condition but so much of it was simply recreational. There was just a ludicrous amount of nose-picking going on. Some users were even picking each nostril with both hands at the same time. They weren’t even typing. One guy was picking the left nostril with his right hand and his right nostril with his left hand. I didn’t even know that was possible.

“I mean, I don’t have to do my own nose-picking, of course. I have a guy. But, still.”

Riccio shook his head grimly.

“Savages. Just savages.”

Noted butterfly keyboard hater Marco Arment shot back at Apple.

“Anyone who knows me knows that I haven’t picked my nose since 1992,” Arment said. “And yet every butterfly MacBook keyboard I’ve used has exploded on contact. Explain that.”

This argument may soon be moot as Apple is widely expected to be replacing the butterfly mechanism in the next generation of MacBooks. Sources close to Apple’s laptop engineering team tell CARS that Apple next-generation keyboard will feature a tantalizing new key mechanism known as “fairy wings”.

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FaviconHairplay 28 Mar 2015, 2:57 pm

You know how dour Jony Ive’s always been in his picture on the Apple executives page? Well, I finally figured out how to put a smile on his face.

A crappy Photoshop job? Well, yeah, OK, yes. But what’s really making Jony happy in this picture is this: I gave him Craig Federighi’s hair. I mean, that would make any guy happy. (With the possible exception of Chris Breen.)

Check it out.

Because I'm Happy

So happy! Strangely, bizarrely happy. Unnaturally happy. But, regardless, he’s finally happy. This has been bugging me for years. Now I just need to get someone at Apple to upload that to the page. I don’t expect any trouble with that.

I know what you’re saying, though. “What about Federighi?! You can’t take away hair like that!” Relax. Don’t worry. I’ve got him covered. I gave him Angela Ahrendts’ hair.

Feeling bromantic

See? No problem.

The only problem is, uh, I haven’t figure out what to do about Ahrendts.

I’m thinking about buying her a hat.

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FaviconApple reveals new product quadrant 13 Jun 2014, 9:17 pm


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FaviconBob Mansfield’s review 21 Mar 2013, 1:43 pm

Startling news has been passed to CARS that sheds a new light on Senior Vice President of Technologies Bob Mansfield‘s status with the company. It had previously been announced that Mansfield would be retiring but after Scott Forstall’s ouster, Mansfield was given a new position. This transcript of Mansfield’s recent annual review with CEO Tim Cook reveals, however, that Manfield’s change of heart may have had nothing to do with Forstall.

COOK: Hey, Bob! Come on in!

MANSFIELD: Hello, Tim.

COOK: Wow, hard to believe it’s that time of year again, right?

MANSFIELD: You mean spring?

COOK: Well, yeah, I guess so.

MANSFIELD: As if spring has some kind of special significance for me?


MANSFIELD: Like, oh, Bob’s been hibernating all winter and we hold his review every spring because that’s when he wakes up?

COOK: No, that’s not what I…

[Apple Senior Vice President of Human Resources Joel Podolny enters.]

PODOLNY: Sorry I’m late.

COOK: Why… why are you here, Joel?

PODOLNY: Ah. Yes. Well, Tim… Bob here has asked me to be present for this.

COOK: Oh, come on…

PODOLNY: No, no. This is his right as an employee and Bob has some… concerns… about comments that you’ve made in previous reviews that, uh, give the appearance that his racial status might be affecting your ability to provide an impartial assessment of his performance.

COOK: His racial status? You mean the fact that he’s a bear?

MANSFIELD: Oh, heeeere we go…

PODOLNY: Tim, please! You are not allowed to mention Bob’s racial status, whatever that may be! You’re also not allowed to make reference to anything that might be seen as judgemental of his culture.

COOK: Oh, so I’m not allowed to mention the fact that he messily devoured a live salmon during a staff meeting?


COOK: I’m not allowed to mention the fact that he bathes in the fountain outside?

PODOLNY: No. [reads] “Under the U.S. Equal Opportunity Employment Act for Ursine-Americans, managers are not allowed to mention anything that might be construed as a reference to an employee’s status as an ursine-American.”

COOK: I’m still not sure that’s a real piece of legislation. But isn’t just mentioning the name of that Act a reference to Bob’s status as…

PODOLNY: Possible status!

COOK: [sigh] …possible status as an ursine-American?

PODOLNY: Please, Tim, why don’t we just start going through the review? I think that’s what we all came here for, isn’t it?

COOK: Well, we can do that, I guess, but…

[Mansfield slowly removes a jar of honey from inside his jacket while staring at Cook.]

COOK: But… uh, I’m not sure how far we’re going to get.

[Mansfield slowly opens jar, still staring intently at Cook as if challenging him to say something about what he’s doing]

COOK: Um… there’s just a few things in here I’m not sure how to talk about without it seeming… uh…

MANSFIELD: What? Bearist?

[Mansfield sticks his entire hand into the jar and spoons a gigantic wad of honey into his mouth, dripping it everywhere, defiantly staring at Cook.]

COOK: Uh… yeaaah. The thing is, though, many of them are listed under “strengths”! Like literally, your strength.


COOK: People like Bob! They like his… culture. They like it when he scratches his back against a door jam or rolls around on the grass when it’s sunny! He keeps the coyotes away!

MANSFIELD: Oh, that’s nice. And it’s nice how Asians are so good at math, isn’t it, Tim?!

COOK: That’s not what I… ugh. OK, look…

PODOLNY: Tim, you’re just digging yourself in deeper.

MANSFIELD: It’s just lucky for you that everyone thinks it was because of Forstall that I was leaving. Because if word got out about your prejudice in the current climate…

PODOLNY: I would like to point out that Bob is not threatening to tell anyone that.

MANSFIELD: I came back because I wanted to give you a second chance, Tim. But you haven’t changed. You’re still making this an issue in spite of yourself! I’ve had plenty of offers, Tim! And I’ll tell you, the thought of working at BlackBerry always seemed like a joke before, but Canadians know how to treat someone like me!

[Mansfield storms out]

COOK: So, he’s allowed to say Canadians know how to treat a bear but I’m not allowed… oh, forget it.

PODOLNY: [shaking his head] Tim, Tim… This is a lawsuit in the making.

COOK: Well, see if he’ll settle for a few flats of raspberries.

PODOLNY: Jesus, Tim. That is not cool.

COOK: [calls to his assistant] Hey, Trevor? Can we get someone to clean up this honey? And get me a scotch or something.

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FaviconJohnny Appleseed Leaves Apple 15 Sep 2012, 3:27 pm

In a shocking announcement, long-time Apple employee Johnny Appleseed has left the company to join a startup in the social networking industry.

Apple PR officials curtly confirmed the move made by the iconic employee who has been used as the representative product user in Apple demos for years.

“Mr. Appleseed no longer works at Apple,” the company said in a brief statement.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site was able to confirm that Appleseed has taken a position as a “Marketing and Brand Ninja” at (pronounced “Plotz dot com”).

Interviewed at his new place of employment, Appleseed said he felt the time was right for a change.

“I don’t know if you’re heard, but Tim Cook’s no Steve Jobs,” Appleseed said. “I mean, not that I interacted with Steve. Or Tim. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Apple’s done innovating. ‘iPhone 5’? Puh-leez. Also, I just felt like trying something different. Something, uh, without health care, apparently. I didn’t actually know that before I accepted the position.”

Asked if there was any bad blood between him and Apple, Appleseed was frank.

“I felt like I was just a joke to them! ‘Oh! Your name is Appleseed! We should use you in all of our demos, hahahaha!’ Jesus. Screw you guys.”

Appleseed expressed enthusiasm for the change and thought was going to be the big success story in the social networking space over the next five years.

“We’re kind of the Sharepoint of Facebook, so…”

From across the room a coworker corrected Appleseed. “Dude, no. The venture capitalists nixed that. We’re the Pinterest of… uh… HEY, JERRRY! WHAT ARE WE THE PINTEREST OF?”


“Right. We’re the Pinterest of LinkedIn.”

Appleseed stared at him blankly for a minute and then said “I get to wear a lot of hats here. It’s exciting. You can just… say I said that.”

Apple declined to comment on who might replace Appleseed in demos in the future, but a new jobs opening for someone with “an Apple-themed name” on the company’s web site indicated the company is recruiting for the position.

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FaviconLIVE WWDC KEYNOTE COVERAGE 11 Jun 2012, 1:16 pm

Oh, what the hell.

10:17 – So far, NO ANNOUNCEMENTS. There was a filmstrip and it broke in the middle and Scott Forstall couldn’t fix it so Bob Mansfield took everyone outside for fifteen minutes to play kickball. Now we’re back inside.

10:21 – Phil Schiller has taken the stage and is announcing that, as only Apple could do, the company is CANCELING its entire line of highly popular MacBooks. Schiller says you will love their new line of netbooks featuring plastic enclosures. Stunned silence. Schiller coughs. Then leaves the stage.

10:25 – Tim Cook retakes the stage. His shirt is untucked and you can see his Cesarean scar. Very disturbing. He keeps massaging it idly.

10:30 – There’s some confusion. Schiller and Cook are struggling with the microphone. Schiller wins! He’s announcing a Next Generation MacBook Pro! Cook is still trying to grab the microphone, but Schiller is holding him at bay, his palm placed flatly on Cook’s forehead as Cook swings wildly at Schiller! The Next Generation MacBook Pro features a fabulous new design they call “chunky”! It has an industry-leading 8 VGA ports, a floppy drive and a SCSI port for all your peripherals!

10:33 – Cook performs an Aikido move on Schiller and hurls him into the stands, snatching the microphone! He disowns him! “You’re no son of mine! I have no son!” Then he returns to massaging his Cesarian scar, with even more vigor.


Next Generation MacBook Pro. Screen has a lot of pixels but isn’t 3D. Lame.

10:43 – OK, we’re back. Next Generation MacBook Pro has a fan with blades that are spaced asymmetrically. If you have OCD, please check with your therapist before buying this laptop.

10:46 – Next Generation MacBook Pro is $2,199 and is so fast it shipped three weeks ago and you didn’t even notice it.

10:50 – Craig Federighi has taken the stage to talk about OS X and I’d like to point out that “Craig Federighi” is a FAKE name. His real name is “Craig Fahgahbooooooooooooza.”

10:54 – Something something iCloud. Something something Mountain Lion. Something something Messages. OK, I’m actually at the concession stand getting some peanuts and Red Vines.

10:59 – Did you know Apple’s been selling its own line of hand-crafted blender mayonnaise for five years?


11:02 – Power Nap keeps your Mac up to date while you sleep. It handles your calls and takes care of your kids. It’ll call you mom and even service your wife. In fact… YOU NEED NEVER WAKE UP EVER AGAIN. DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNN.

11:07 – An hour in and a stranger enters. He wanders about the stage, curiously dressed in turn of the century garb with a curled mustache and a cane. It’s as if no one sees this stranger. They continue on demonstrating operating system features while the stranger looks over their shoulders and smiles an evil grin. He tips his top hat and departs as the audience feels a shiver go down their spine.

11:16 – Now, iOS 6.0! “Siri has been out for 8 months and has been studying up.” That’s why she hasn’t had time to answer anything you’ve asked her.

11:22 – Siri is now ready to talk about your relationship with her and what YOU’VE done to try to improve things. SHE CAN’T DO EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW.

11:25 – Facebook. Barf.

11:27 – New feature: Do Not Disturb. It’ll turn off your phone. Apple will also be shipping the Do Not Disturb iPhone that has no phone! … Yes, it’s an iPod touch. But think of the hours of your life you’ll get back!

11:32 – “Look, seriously, we are just completely out of ideas since Steve died.”

11:38 – Apple introduces a new app: Coupon Clipper. No more taking that giant purse to the grocery store with all those coupons in them! Coupons are stored conveniently in an app! You’ll save as much as 17 cents on toilet paper!

11:46 – New Maps! Features Turn By Turn navigation and Flyover, a 3D view. Note that Flyover is not available in so-called “Flyover” states because, according to Scott Forstall, “no one cares about them. Seriously, the data isn’t even available. We looked. Not real hard, but we looked. There’s like the Corn Palace and that’s it.”


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FaviconUnderestimated my reach 12 Jan 2012, 10:19 am

A year or so ago, ZDNet Microsoft blogger Mary Jo Foley from back in June.

First off, no link? Where’s the love?

Second, I am going to sue you blind, lady.

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FaviconMore stuff there you used to read here! 7 Jan 2012, 11:00 am

I love my parents. They had just gotten back from a long trip overseas on Thursday and, as exhausted as they were, they called me to say they were sorry to hear about Steve Jobs.

Which is so nice and also kind of weird, right? It’s not like I ever even met Steve. But they knew that while I’m too old to have heroes, if I did have heroes he would have been one of them.

Then, for the second time this year, my dad surprised me. The first was when he told me that he had met Ian Flemming back in the 1960s. This time it was telling me he had actually met Jobs, back in 1980.

Apple was about to go public and Jobs came to New York to drum up interest in the company’s IPO. My dad worked for a money management firm and spent an hour with others in the company listening to Jobs talk up Apple.

It was hard for my dad to remember much, but I asked him if there was anything, even just impressions, he could recall.

He wore a suit and tie and his hair was slightly long. Full of energy and conviction he made his case that his computer was the best and there was no way he would share the operating system with others. He was a great salesman and very focused.

We all found him and his fledging company exciting and fun.

Can you imagine?

In retrospect I’m sure Thursday wasn’t the first time he’s told me he met Jobs. After Jobs was on the cover of Time in 1982, that issue sat on our kitchen counter for what seemed like a year, right next to where I put my books when I got home from school. I’m sure he must have mentioned it then: “Hey, I met this guy!” or I don’t think I would have made note of it.

Thinking back I think I kept that issue because I found Jobs interesting, long before I used any of Apple’s products. The guy made computers. And money. And was only 10 years older than me. How do I get in on that?

Hard work, it turns out. Hard work and inspiration. And determination.

Eight years later when I bought my first computer I knew I wanted a Mac. There wasn’t any question.

As I told my pal Shawn King on a memoriam edition of Your Mac Life he put together, I know some of the executives read my stupid web site from time to time and I’d like to think that Steve read some of my pieces and maybe one made him laugh. Like this one about Avie Tevanian inexplicably going through puberty again. I know Tevanian at least read it because he emailed me about to make a small correction about his age (true story). I updated the story because I care.

The first time I saw Steve in person was on stage at Macworld Expo 2007 when he introduced the iPhone. He had been struggling with cancer for years at that point and sitting there in the crowd it was clear how important the event was to him. I think maybe he realized this might be the last biggest thing he ever did, the last time he really changed the world. Again.

I was glad I got to see it. Glad I got to see what was probably the biggest Macworld announcement ever. Glad I shared that moment with him, even if I was just another head in that sea of nerds.

After knowing about Steve Jobs for 30 years, I’m sad there won’t be any more chances for him to change the world.

Macworld asked me to contribute to their 2012 predictions piece which also features Jacqui Cheng, Adam Engst, John Gruber, Andy Ihnatko, Arnold Kim and the Macalope.

Somehow, they gave me a higher rating for my predictions for last year than they gave Adam. Only because I successfully stereotyped MUG members. How hard is that?

Anyway, if you used to like this site, you might like my predictions.

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FaviconGear Guide: Products we’d like to see 24 Dec 2011, 11:11 am

Hey, CARS-istas! For your holiday enjoyment, I did a thing for Macworld similar to the things I used to do here except they added some really nice artwork unlike the crap I used to slap together so if you used to enjoy the things I did here perhaps you would enjoy the thing I did there.

I don’t know. I’m not sure I remember how the Internet works.

Is this thing on?

Aaaaand apparently the most recent WordPress update broke the theme. That’s. Just. Great.

Update: Fixed! It’s a Christmas miracle!

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